My bad

Its been what? Over a year since I wrote on this blog? Dang!!! I'm so sorry. See, what had happened was that a bunch of volunteers got in trouble for putting things on their blog and I of course didn't want to be one of those people. I do have a tendency to get in trouble, so of course I stopped using the blog. But now that i've been a volunteer for over a year, i haven't gotten into any trouble(like I would publish it on line anyway) so, I will do my best to try to catch up on whats going on for the last few. Those of you who have been getting my emails will find repeat info here, but I will do my best to update via email and on this blog. For those of you who don't know me, i am a business volunteer (small enterprise development or SED) in Cameroon, Central Africa. I'm posted in the South province in a small town called Lolodorf. I work in a community based bank called MC2 (Mutuelle Communautaire de Crossance).

So! Below is a little something for y'all from when I first got to post. Good times!

September 2005, about one month after arriving at post:

I just finished writing the longest email to you guys and it all got erased. I hope this one turns out good, we'll see. I'm pissed right now. You'd think I'd get used to this, but I haven't.

Anyway.......

Hello everyone.

I know this is a long time coming, but I really don't have access to internet. I shouldn't be here now, but I had to print some reports for my bank and figured I might as well use the internet while i'm at it. Yeah, my bank is computerized but they don't have a printer. They have one of those dot matrix thingies that suck. Sure, they have the latest version of windows, but a 1970's printer. Thats life in Cameroon.

So let me tell you all that happened to me this past Monday:

First off, I'm in a really, really, small village where there's a lack of virtually everything. There's no running water as I've said before and the electricity is extremely inconsistant. How inconsistant you may ask? Well, I've been in village for almost a month and the electricity came on for an hour on Sunday and again on Monday. I won't be surprised if its not on when I get back.

The food is also very very limited. Every night for dinner I have grilled fish with baton de manioc. This baton is cassava (yuca) ground up, mashed, soaked in water, drained, mashed and soaked again until its almost translucent, wrapped in a banana leaf and steamed. NO nutrients whatsoever. But I kinda like it. So i have that with grilled fish. Well, I decided that on Sunday I was gonna make some yassa. Well, that didn't turn out to well. (for those of you who don't know, yassa is onion sauce, but all of you should know it because you are either Senegalese or i've made it for you once or thirty times in philly)

There are two doors to my place; the front door and another from the kitchen leading out. I opened the door to the kitchen to let in some air.I have a very, very, very small table that the stove sits on. Well, I made the sauce and put the pot on the floor so that I can make room to make rice. I went into the living room to put on some music. When I came back into the kitchen, there were about 3 or 4 chickens and a dog eating the yassa. You can imagine my shock and disappointment of not having any yassa after I struggled to make it. So, no yassa meant I had to get something else for dinner. So of course, I got grilled fish and manioc.

Well, I woke up around 2am the next day with the worst stomach ache. I must have been in the bathroom for at least an hour and a half. You'd think I would know better and not go into work the next day. Nope. I went in and regretted it. But it wasn't until around 3pm when the real action began. Heres an account of how that day went:

Wow, I should get out of here. My stomach is making some sounds that do not sound kosher at all

"Hey Ata, can you show me how to use that function on excel again?" The cashier says. I can't stay around here for another minute and she wants me to show her how to use a freaken function. Hells no.

"oh Sidonie, the only way I can really teach you is by making you do it yourself. Try it and then we'll go over it again tomorrow"

"Ok" says Sidonie. Damn that was close. I can't start any type of work right now, not while my stomach is acting up. Shit, why did I come in today?! I have to find a way to get out of here. I know, I'll tell the manager I have to meet with the french teacher. Yeah, that way I can get the hell out of here.

"Hey, Syrille. I gotta meet with my french teacher this afternoon, so I'll see you tomorrow. Ok, bye"

"OH, we have to go see the mayor and give him the letter from the peace corps".Holly shit. I know this bastard has got to be joking. The Peace Corps gave each of us volunteers a number of letters to give to the governor, mayor, police commissioner and other high officials to let them know of our presence in village. I was able to meet with everyone except the mayor. We'd been to his office more than 3 times and he was never in. Of all fucking days, this bastard decides to show up today.

"What?!?"

"Yes, he's finally in his office, so we should go now"

"But, its after 3pm. Maybe we should go tomorrow. Plus i have to talk to my teacher, so lets just go tomorrow morning"

"He won't be in tomorrow, today is the only chance we have". Syrille begins to lock the door to his office and heads to the front door. By this time, my stomach has not only begun churning every 5 seconds, but has managed to make the most disgusting noises that I've ever heard. My ass cheeks begin to contrast to keep everything in. I'm on the verge of dying here, yet all I can think about is how I'm going to explain how a grown-ass person such as myself shit my pants.

The bank guard, Jack, gives me a weird look of concern.

'Are you ok Ata?"

"oh, I'm fine. I'm just tired from all the work". I hadn't realized that I'd started sweating until i put my hand to my forehead. In the time I had spoke to Syrille and turned to talk to Jack, I'd broken into a cold sweat.

"oh you americans. You're so used to machines that anything you do by hand tires you out.Haaaaa!"

Normally, I would be more than willing to curse this guy out, but all I can think of at this moment is how I can connect my ass to a toilette.

"yeah Jack, your right, its rough for us americans."

I start heading towards the door. I have to think of something quick before i embarrass myself. My mind is whirling between coming up with an excuse to go home and trying to figure out whether I should faint after I shit my pants or start foaming at the mouth. This is too much for me to handle.

Wait! He thinks I have the letter with me. Naturally I do, but I'll just say I don't.

"oh, Syrille. I need the letter. I don't have it with me"

"Are you sure, check your bag"

He stands there waiting for me to look through my bag. If I squat down, I'm sure I'm gonna let some out. What the fuck should I do?

"look through your bag, i think i left my phone in the office". There is a god and he is looking out for me on this day. Syrille comes back outside and I tell him i don't have the letter.

"Why don't you have the letter with you". I know this bastard is not questioning me right now.

"Well, Syrille, you didn't tell me that we were going to see the mayor, so why would I carry the letter around with me?"

"Oh, you're right. Ok, you go get the letter and i'll meet you here"

Thank the lord। I start walking down the street towards my house. I can't run to my house because that would cause to much shifting in my stomach. My legs began to feel weak under all the pressure. There are too many people on the street for me to stop for breath. Besides that, i can't stop or else I would surely take a shit on the street. My hands now feel like they're buzzing and my palms are all sweaty. My neck and back feel strained making it hard to walk. But I gotta get to my house. I can not let myself take a dump on the street. I pause for a moment because I feel as though I'm gonna faint. My eyes begin to roll to the back of my head and I just want to squat right then and there. I try to convince myself that I'm almost there, but the pressure is too much for me to handle.I move over to the bushes and decide that there's nothing left to be done but relieve myself. As I begin to unbutton my pants, a lizzard starts slithering out. The things scares me so much that I start running.

I can see my house in the distance. It only takes about 5 minutes from the bank to my house, but it felt like it tooke over 3 hours.

I was about 20 feet away from my door when I heard my name.

"Hello Ata, how are you today?!" My neighbor whom I've spoken no more than 20 words to starts walking towards me..

"Oh, hello, how are you?"

"Good. Tell me, is everything at work going ok? I hope no one's giving you a hard time"

"Yes, everything is good, thank you for asking"

"Now, where are you from in the states?" Oh, now I know this bitch is not trying to start a conversation with me now. What the fuck. I see her ass everyday and she never talks to me and she uses now to strike up a conversation. Fuck that.

"New york"

"Oh, that is so fascinating! My sisters brother-in-law's wifes sisters husbands brother has been to New York and he loved it. So how long will you be in Cameroon?"

OOoooooohhhh, you have got to be fucking kidding me. I was out on my porch all day yesterday and this heffer only said hello to me. What, she couldn't ask me this shit yesterday?!?!

"Oh, 2 years" however, with you wasting my time, i might just have to leave in 2 days due to embarrassment from shitting on my front porch.

"Oh good. Do you like the food?" An electric shock is going through my left leg. I'm about to faint from not being able to use the bathroom. I don't know how much longer I can hold this mess in. What I do know is that if my ass doesn't connect to a toilette in the next 20 sec she won't want to talk to me any more.

"Its ok. Would you excuse me for a moment?"

"Sure, are you going inside? I'll wait for you here." Oh my god! What the fuck did I do to deserve this.

"oh, i have to make a phone call and head back to work. But I'll be back later this evening."

"oh, you americans always working. YOu need to learn to take it slow and enjoy life". This bitch has no idea who she's talking to.

"oh, i'll try. Ok, I'll see you later"

"ok. One of these days you will have to show me how to make american food. I saw you cooking the other day. What were you making?" Didn't I just tell this bitch i had to go?!?

"oh, i was only boilling water"

"Oh, i thought i saw you with some onions."

"No, i didn't make that yet, but when i do i'll let you know"

"What do you do with the onions?"

You can only imagine how my mind is racing. Honestly, she's a nice lady, but at this point i just wanted to drop kick her and use her as a toilette.

"It depends." My phone begins to ring. Its Tim, another volunteer. He usually likes to beep me or send a text. I love that boy. Remind me to get him a gift for saving my life.

"oh, there's my phone call. I'll talk to you later"

"Ok, Ata. take care"

I rush inside my house and begin to undress. I throw down my bag and phone and don't bother taking my shoes off. I don't bother answering the phone because there is nothing more important right now than me going to the bathroom. I make sure to lock my front door just in case someone decides to let themselves in. I rush to the bathroom and try my best not to do anything drastic. I've made it this far and only had about 10 seconds to go. My ass and stomach knew I was in the bathroom because the rumbling was nonstop and the shit was ready to flow. I sat down so quickly on the toilette I nearly fell in.

All that suffering, moaning and sweating was finally relieved within 2 minutes. Whats worse about the whole things was that most of it was nothing more than the worst gas I've ever had in my life. I must have passed out from all that came out of me for when I finally came to I'd realized I'd been in my house for over 25minutes. I stayed on the toilette for at least another 5 minutes to make sure all had past. When I finished I went outside and found Syrille coming up the walk. I told him I was having a hard time finding the letter, but managed to find it. We went to the mayors office and gave the letter to his secretary. The guy wasn't even there. I though it was because I took so long, but it turned out he was never there and wanted us to drop it off.

So people, thats what happened to me on Monday. Turns out the lady I brought the fish from was not the best fish lady. I won't be going back to her unless I want some major stomach pains.